Friday, May 28, 2010

28-may-2010 CHICKEN

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week I saw a chicken near the city.

It was at a set of traffic lights, my immediate reaction was

"Why does she want to cross the road here!? WHYYYYY!!!!!?"

She could have decided to go for a chicken run,

Spur of the moment,

(if that's the case she should have put a capon)

Or her little car had a flat battery.

Either way, she was waiting for the lights to be reddy.

Perhaps she was peckish and headed to the italian restaurant,

for some bocbocbocconcini pizza.

Although, there is a book cafe on the other side,

So she may have been after book worms.

I hear they have an isle of costless silverfish,

It's their free range,

Great if you don't like shelling out money for insects...

And you're a chicken.

Supposedly they're eggcellent there,

But there's a better one further down town.

That one probably wasn't o-pen yet,

Or it was, but the door was closed and she couldn't pullet open.

Just her cluck.

At least she seemed to be keeping abreast of the situation,

Taking the time to recoup and not trying to wing it,

Beakoz no-one expects to see a chicken on the road,

Even if it isa brown one.

So many possibilities, wattle she do tomorrow?!

Friday, May 21, 2010

19-may-2010 WALL

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week a man stumbled down a set of stairs opposite my office and left a rather large hole and even larger crack in the plasterboard wall.

The wally must have felt pretty selley,

As despite the heavy landing,

(I don’t want to make a crack about his weight,

So I’ll im-ply,

This guy wasn’t much of a stud)

He took off without saying a word in an attempt to keep his integrity.

Re-enacting the hole scene,

I would have expected it to render him motionless for at least a moment,

He cant have been too hurt because he didn’t even stop to stare.

Perhaps he didn’t want the situation to escalate,

OR it door-,ned on him how many forms he’d have to complete

And decided avoidance was a better way of ceiling his fate.

What a descend man.

He’s found a floor in the OSH system,

How will the OSH panel handle this one?

To what level will it go and what steps will be taken?

Will there be a partition against stairs?

Such a putty I didn’t get a picture,

The repairs are already complete - I’m not sure who will be build.

Oh well,

That’s one way to get plastered!

17-may-2010 HAIR

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week my hair went fuzzy.

I dread bad hair days,

They’re so embarrassing I could dye.

It all started when my last appointment was cut short,

Mostly because the hairdresser and I didn’t gel,

She bangs her equipment around and doesn’t put clothes on ANY of my hairs.

For ages I didn’t like how my hair turned out,

But now its growing on me.

Ill probably comb over to the same salon again,

But on the condition I have a different girl.

I don’t want special treatment,

Only to end this streak of bad hair days.

My sister has been searching for a new haircut,

Mostly styles with plait-inum blonde.

She wants a comb-ination of cutting edge styles,

She’ll wig out if it looks hairlarious,

So hopefully it works – without going to her head.

I’ve only tried something different once,

I took ages to mullet over,

And when the descissorsion was finally locked in,

I was brushed aside.

My plan was foiled

And I was left stranded.

Oh well, at least bad hair days aren’t perm-anent.

P.S. Don’t forget,as the saying goes: “don’t buy shampoo, demand real poo instead!”

15-april-2010 BABY

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week my friend Simone had a baby girl J

Although I haven’t met her yet, I suspect she is enormous,

Due to the girth she made Simone’s belly grow.

I’m honestly not sure if she’ll fit in the hospital cradle.

And I’m not just saying that because she kicked me once.

Well, maybe.


I’m going to have to hold a baby.


I suppose holding Kevin bunny will have been good training,

Surely a newborn won’t wriggle and scratch as much as that?

At least, I reeeally hope not, because I always drop Kevin.

She also won’t leave me covered in sneezy fur.

Although there was a time I was referring to the little one as wolf-baby…

And if she is covered in fur, I may drop her in shock…

So lets hope she also isn’t hairy.

I'll write a disclaimer in the card:

“Before allowing me to hold the baby,

be warned that if the baby is covered in hair or wriggles as much as a bunny,

she may be dropped.”

That should do it.


What to say about a newborn?

“Adorable” doesn’t quite fit a wrinkly, gummy, crying, puffy-eyed being…

And Simone already warned us about using the word “precious”.

I think I’ll go with “tiny” and “just like you”,

Parents love to hear their offspring bear resemblance to themselves…

Although it does mean I’ll be telling them they look like wrinkly, gummy, crying, puffy-eyed beings.

“she looks just like you, and on another note,

I think you look like a pinker version of Jabba the Hutt.”

No, that’s not right.

I know, “she’s going to look just like you”

Done hehe J

In all seriousness, congratulations Simone and Clint,

I look forward to sharing many special moments with you and (a soon to be adorable) Jade!!!

9-april-2010 FOOD

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week I spent some time in the kitchen,

Where I’m supposed to be.

These are the steps I took:

When buying the veg,

Remember celery sell early and the best option for pak choys is the pack choice.

Don’t buy squashed squash.

When you meet the meat section,

If the price of the salarmi’s alarming,

Carry on with other carrion,

Such as well chopped chops.

Make sure the oven is on for the venison.

Tip: when you wash the spinach it dries quicker if you spin actually

When the beans have been cooked

Smother in some well sourced sauce.

(Nan likes burnt butter sauce but her cholesterol is too high).

Season the meat with sea sunned salt,

Prepared pepper and chilli if it’s still too chilly.

If you have time sprinkle thyme and Oregon or egg on.

Egg is not actually recommended.

To begin dessert, take out a bored board,

Give an apple a pull from the fruit basket along with plump plums and a pair of pears chopping it all with a paring knife.

Add a little cinnamon so it’s in among the fruit

Keep it stirred sturdily for 10 seconds.

Pour puréed paw paw over top

Then make some pastry and pay strict attention so it’s kneaded as needed.


But if you get coughy drinking coffee,

Cover your mouth so you don’t get phlegm on the lemon.

No one likes that.

10-march-2010 BEER

This week, in the world of Lisa...

this week i wanted an alcoholic beverage.

they wouldnt have a bar of me until i knew what i wanted,

but oh my guiness! the list!

i should have thought about it schooner.

i looked over and over the list to no av-ale.

next thing i know,

this stout man hops in front of me!

just because i hadnt decidered yet doesnt make it ok!

i know i know, i dont have a keg to stand on,

im just still mad that he spilt his drink on me!

it had better not stein.

i finally got my head sorted out but the bar staff didnt realise i was waiting,

so i tapped the bar to pint out i needed service.

after all the troubles,

at yeast i finally had a beer!

cheers :)

2-march-2010 ORIGAMI

This week, in the world of Lisa...

this week i've started to do origami,

but i've found i just dont cut it.

i dont want to seem like a square,

however i've checked out a few books.

theyre all paperback of course.

looking over potential models,

they are graded according to difficulty,

four or more and my chances of completing the model are significantly de-creased.

to get back into it i made a crane,

after folding ~350 for Lyndsay, it was easy

(i had to make more than the required 333 because Kevin bunny liked to eat them,

he'd stork them until i wasnt looking,

which was a Mynah set back).

next i found a design for a rhinocerous beetle,

i dont mean to toot my own horn,

but i dont nose how i managed to finish it.

i also made a simple rabbit model,

which is a good one to sHare,

simple and effective :)

although it might be a bit cannibalistic if i give those to Kevin...

i didnt complete the pig,

it was getting there,

but i think i started with the wrong base so i got boared.

my next project is a triceratops.

unfortunately the first few tries have been tearable,

wish me luck!


This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week Kevin grew a mushroom.

A weird black cup on a thin stem where his poo hay goes.

They’ve never grown there before,

It must have been the last straw.

You may be surprised,

But despite growing in bunny poo,

Its not a shitake* OR a toad stool.

I’m still lichen it J

And I cant find anything similar on the internet,

Ill have to stalk the websites some more.

it was a bit of unexpected excitement anyway,

Can always rely on Kevin for that,

He’s a fun guy and a good spor(e)t,

Always willing to give you the hare off his back

(literally, he’s mouldting).

At any rate, I hope he grows more,

Theres so mushroom left in the hay!

Ill keep you posted J

*thanks for the shitake joke dad, I tip my cap to you for that one! If I didn’t acknowledge your joke I’d feel gillty.

11-january-2010 FALCON

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week the cleaner told me to save a bird.

It was stuck in the outdoor work area,

Trying to escape through a closed window,


So off I went to open the roller door for the little guy,

Only when I looked over,


Looking at me with its pearly-grin and big yellow eyes,

I was in birds eye view.

The cleaner had failed to mention the clause.

So I opened the roller door and all the windows,

Hoping to wing it…

No dice.

The only way to get this bird out was to get closer,

For a moment I though “flock that!”

But the poor thing was so stressed out L

I grabbed a piece of wood and,

Very wary of its huge talons,

Eventually bothered it enough it flew on top of the open roller door.


Finally it flew out the way it had come in and he was free as a bird and high as a Kite :)

29-april-2008 LIP DRIP

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week i decided to change my coffee drinking style.

You see, this morning i noticed when i wash my mug after a cuppa,

I mean, my mug after a mugga.

ther there’s an unattractive coffee lip drip on the outside where my lip goes.

I am about to embark on a coffee filled day to discover how to avoid this drip.

Test 1. slippery lip drip

To test “slippery lip” i will apply a sticky lip gloss to my lower lip and drink a mugga.

Complication: no milk.

Overcome: complication milk.

Overzealous lip gloss application complete.

Warning: if replicating this test do not attempt to eat prawn crackers post over-zealous lip gloss application.

Failed: “lip gloss”. Outer coffee mug drip reduced, but replaced with unpleasant sticky residue.

Consumed: 3 teaspoons of coffee (two were in the first mugga of the day), a third of a prawn cracker, 2ml “glaze fruit” lipgloss.

Test 2: mug drip

To test “mug drip” I will drink coffee our of a different mug.

Complication: lack of mug variety.

Operation mug theft complete.

Warning 1: mug theft best accomplished during off-peak times, avoid 8:15am. 10:30am and 2:30pm

Warning 2: theft the mug of a female to ensure a clean mug is obtained.

OvercomeL complication mug.

Failed: “different mug”

Consumed: 4 spoons of coffee, cooties, 2ml lip gloss.

test 3: lip position

To test “lip position” I will drink a mugga with my bottom lip inserted INTO the mug rather than BELOW the mug.

Warning 1: ensure excess lip gloss from test 2 has been removed to avoid chin gloss.

Warning 2: careful of freshly made coffee, its rather hot and burny.

Complication: uncoordinated mug tipping.

Warning 3: don’t get over eager to commence test 3, you will end up with coffee on your shirt.

Complication: looking like a noob.

Failed: “lip position”. Not able to overcome complitation “looking like a noob”.

AbsorbedL ~10ml of coffee.

Test 4: drinking through a straw

To test “drinking through a straw” I will drink a mugga through a straw.

Complication: too hyper to focus on test 4.


28-april-2008 LITERALLY

This week in the world of Lisa…

This week,

For some unknown reason,

Things became literal.

My computer mouse started to squeak.

I accidentally stepped on Matt.

I spluttered whilst drinking coffee.

A vial containing broken down biological matter was,

That’s right,


And unfortunately for a certain priest,

Brazil was also taking things literally.

They decided to hold a fundraiser,

And regrettably, they didn’t take the “fun” literally,

They took the “raising”.


Who better to become a daredevil than a priest?

They strapped him into a “buoyant chair”,

Attached HEAPS of helium filled balloons,

And let him go.

He raised alright.

He disappeared in the clouds.

Everyone was surprised he began drifting over the ocean

(in the same direction as the wind).

And then they lost him.


Somewhere out there is a priest.

Strapped into a chair.

Flying beneath hundreds of helium balloons.

Beyond at-most-fear,

Floating along in his highchair

And will soon literally get a sinking feeling.

I don’t mind all these things turning literal though,

As long as when im reading my b’s don’t turn into bees,

I’s don’t turn into eyes,

And I DEFINITELY don’t want my p’s turning into pee.

The end.

14-April-2008 FISH


This week in the world of Lisa…

This week I named my fish.

I had been waiting for Gladiators so I could name him after my favourite,

But my favourite is a girl.

And I don’t think a male killer fish would appreciate being named after female warriors.

So I watched him for a while,

And it came to me.

I called him Bob.

Because that’s what he does all day in the water,

And I realised he’s been trying to introduce himself since I got him,

I just couldn’t hear him because he’s in water.


Lucky I can fish-lip-read.

And lucky that Bob isn’t a chicken,

Because nobody can chicken-lip-read.

The end.

13-june-2007 INSPIRATION

This week, in the world of Lisa…

This week I found my inspiration.

I was quite sad when I lost it,

I looked for it for weeks,

Under rocks, in the trash, under the sofa…

I even looked in the shoe pile, which is often where I find my keys…

But even they couldn’t unlock the mystery of my missing inspiration.

Then, this week without warning,

I found it.

It was hidden between yesterdays sock and 8:10am.

I don’t know why I didn’t think to look there before.


Now that my inspiration is back,

I’m wondering was it there all along?

Perhaps it went to the moon?


Elsewhere on a small blue green planet in one of the less fashionable sectors of the galaxy?

I don’t know,

But now that its back, I can tell you about my sock.

Its one of my better socks,

It goes on my right foot and has a picture of homer simpson saying

“its my life-long dream to appear on a sock”.

The left sock says the same thing,

But its not as funny the second time you read it.

So this sock, whom I’ll call “righty”,

Didn’t feel like mingling in the laundry pile,

Oh no,

Not when there are better places to be,

Like my pants!!!

I’m not sure if righty was hiding in there all along,

Or if he went on a (successful) stealth mission,

Either way, he was in my pants unbeknownst to me,

So its quite probable that I walked all the way across my work with a sock hanging out of my pant leg.

A humorous sock hanging out of my pant leg,

Cheering me up for the day,

Thanks righty :)

11-january-2007 PEOPLE

This week, in the world of Lisa...

this morning I was driving to work,

like any other morning.

but this was not

at all

like any other morning.

usually i see three special needs people walking into vic park on albany highway.

today i did not see three special needs people walking into vic park on albany highway.

today i saw only one of the special needs ladies.

she was on the side of the road.

she had emerged from a laneway between two stores.

several minutes previous i suspect from her expression.

her upper body was completey exposed.

the side of her face was lacerated and bleeding.

her mouth was gaping mid-wail.

her brows were furrowed to the extreme.

her eyes were wet, bewildered and confused.

she had been attacked.

and there was nobody helping her.

i couldnt stop immediately,

i had to go a ways down oats street to turn around and go back.

on the way i saw a lady with a pram successfully avoiding the situation.

i got stuck at a red light for what seemed like forever.

by the time i got back, there was a young girl helping her,

and the ranger arrived.

the girl was pointing down the highway,

presumably in the direction of the attacker,

whilst trying to comfort the lady.

relieved someone was looking after her,

i left.

i left her there,

confused and scared,

holding her blue teddy,

with an arm around her now covered shoulder.

28-october-2006 STUNG


This week I was stung by a wasp in a peculiar place.

I was at work, and simply strolled from one building into another (a total of 20m max)

And began talking to a colleague.

I start spasming

And saying "ow!"

And lifting up my shirt.

As you can probably imagine, I got some very odd looks.

(And pulled some too).

I couldn't see anything on my skin,

So I started looking on the inside of my shirt,

When suddenly,

Without warning,

A tiny tiny wasp flew out from the depths of my bellybutton.



I ask you,

Are the chances of a wasp being that tiny,

Landing IN a bellybutton


Apparently, if you are me, 1:1.

Admittedly, I do have a rather deep inny bellybutton.

And because I'm allergic to bees,

I was scared that I might become an outty.

But that doesnt excuse the fact that the only ice offered to me was in the form of a frozen 2L milk bottle.

It could maybe hold a pencil, but 2L of ice?

Sorry, no.

So my bellybutton is now tainted.

It's hymenoptera virginity has been tainted.

And I am all the more experienced.

13-October-2006 NAILS

This week(and a couple before that), in the world of Lisa...

I have not written in a while,

So I shall tell you what I have been doing the last few weeks.




For those of you who know me,

I do not like long fingernails.

I am quite against them.

They are a breeding ground for bacteria,

A disgusting lip gloss gouging trap,

An un-necessary claw!

Yet I caved in to becoming feminine for a wedding.

(I even shaved my toes, but that's another story entirely.)

Yet now, quite unexpectedly, I've found long fingernails have grown on me.

I french manicured them.

I rap them on hard surfaces and can make that horrendous tapping noise.

I find myself itching to itch, just so I can scratch it.

I don't even mind that it takes me ten minutes to send an sms.

Freeking wxyz9/#.

I can't touch type any more either.

I kind of tap-type.

And just so you know, it's all due to filing.

I bought myself a nailfile - and have to say,

I'm kind of addicted.

It's somewhat calming,


I am a filing junkie.

Perhaps I am destined to become a secretary.

Because you can't over-file your nails.

There'd be no point.

That is all for this week, I hope you enjoyed!

And if you need any filing tips, just ask me,

I've nailed it.

14-july-2006 FOG

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week I was surrounded by a white fog of DOOOM.

Okay, not of dooom, but a white fog.

It was kind of like being in a cloud, but not as wet.

Or high.

And that's a good thing, as I wasn't wearing a precautionary parachute.

Then it really would have been a white fog of doom.

I don't own a precautionary parachute.

If I did, it would have 'HELP' written over it in large letters,

Being a precautionary parachute I'd obviously be in some situation of DOOOM to be using it.

*Did you know the emergency number to call from most mobiles is 112?

Can be used anywhere in the world and it links you to the closest emergency call centre.

There's a bit of trivia that might save your life in France.

"le bâtiment est sur le feu!"

Fog fog foggy fog.

Its one of those words that just gets weirder the more you say it.

Fog fog fog fog fog.

You end up saying fofofofofo.

Or choking.

I'm dizzy.

The end.

7-july-2006 SAUCY

This week, in the world of Lisa...

Last time I was going to eat BBQ beef extra saucy noodles was on the way to Rock-it.

Im glad I didnt, its not a good place to be saucy.

I wasnt glad I didnt at the time though.

I had put a good 6 minutes into making them.

And proceeded to leave them on the bench instead of taking them to eat on the way.

My mum called me up and thanked me for making her lunch.

Thats my mum for you.

Being saucy instead of reminding you to take your lunch.

So this week I didnt forget my extra saucy BBQ beef instant noodles.

And I discovered something.

They're too saucy.

The cup was saucy

The noodles were saucy

The fork was saucy

I became quite saucy also.

There was so much sauce I couldnt eat it all,

And that made the bin saucy.

I noticed the cleaner didnt try to empty the bin today,

He just changed the garbage bag.

Probably didnt want to be saucy.

4-july-2006 CAR ACCIDENT

This week, in the world of Lisa...

Today I was in my first minor car accident.

Well to be honest, second.

When I was two or less a man bumped my mum's car at some traffic lights.

Despite it being a bump and no harm was done,

I cried for a couple of hours.

I would like to make it known that this time,

I did not cry.

But I did have the power of language this time,

And used a few words usually composed with stars.

I'm not sure whether to say it was my fault or not,

You see, I was innocently eating my strawberry jam toast and giving somebody the finger.

Now from that statement, you may think it was entirely my fault,

Despite my cunning use of 'innocently'.

But consider this...

Had this person not been a STINKY HOE riding up my ASS

I wouldn't have been distracted,

And, wouldn't have given them the finger.


In effect, I saved my cars ass from being crumpled by the girl I refer to as 'stinky-hoe tailgater'.

I added the stinky because I figure she spends a lot of time up people's asses,

So I'd like to make the assumption that hers is.

I didn't save my jeans from getting strawberry jammed.

The man was quite lovely really.

He didn't smile, but he didn't frown.

And that's as lovely as you need to be when a girl who isn't even wearing shoes and is covered in remnants of jam bumps

your car.

Actually, it was more like a kiss.

Maybe my car was hot for his car, and it's even less my fault.

No, of course I'm not irrationally diverting the blame.

Have you seen the new cars movie?

I haven't, but I have seen the preview, and in it there are cars with personalities.

All in all, I think everything worked out for the best,

My cars ass remains pristine and so does the other guys.

I can't speak for the stinky-hoe tailgater

Thursday, May 20, 2010

21-june-2006 SLIPPERS

This week, in the world of Lisa...

This week my Dad almost went to work in his slippers.

I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered so much if they were uggies.

But giant monster feet?

Someone is bound to say something.

*sigh* no, my Dad doesn’t have giant monster feet slippers.

He has those no-bending-over-required old man slippers.

But he should.

Perhaps then he wouldn’t forget to change into shoes before leaving the house...

Or at least he’d notice when his foot covers the accelerator AND the brake as he tries to leave...

You’d hope.

If you see a 50yo man going nowhere in the driveway,

Massively over-revving the engine and looking confused,

Tell him to change into his day shoes.

If he replies that giant monster feet slippers ARE is day shoes,

He’s probably retired and over 65,

And also isn’t my Dad.

Today I went to get new steel caps for work.

They had some fabulous styles for women,

not in a boot though.

And no slipper-styles.

With Uggies being in such high demand as “fashion” thses days,

why aren’t there steel cap uggies?


Getting to work, feet in sheep wool bliss...

Questionably fashionable, unquestionable comfortable and cosy,

Whilst not ignoring the need for safety in the workplace.


Then people as yount as 12 could have slippers as everyday shoes.


Perhaps I was too hasty to hassle old people about wearing slippers everywhere...

Seems like a darned good idea...

Excuse me, I am off to learn how to patent...

15-june-2006 EHB


This week I accepted another dare.

And it was to do with eating.

No, not another lame jerky dare.

Yes, raw chewy dried meat is lame now.

I'll give you some background to lead up to the crux.

I work at the department of agriculture (and food).

I work in biosecurity in the European House Borer (EHB) response program.

EHB is an introduced pest which ONLY EATS PINE.

No, it does not eat jarrah.

No, sheoaks arent pine trees.

No, it will not hurt your children.

Unless your untreated pine house becomes so heavily infested the roof falls on them.

But that is improbable.

At this stage

Working for the European House Borer Program has pro's.

And con's.

Pro: I get paid to play with bugs.

Con: every time my boyfriends Grandad sees me, he asks if I

Still have that BORING job?!?"

The family thinks it is hilarious every time.

To give you some knowledge about the boring beetle, it lays its eggs in dead pine.


The tiny little larvae hatch out and eat and eat and eat.

Sometimes they eat for ten years before turning into beetles!

They dont have to fit in swimsuits every summer.

When they are a beetle,

They come out and leave a little oval hole going with the grain of the wood.

And that's how you know they are/were there.

My job often requires me to do field work in the Gnangara Pine Plantation.

On Friday, I was there with Mark, a molecular biologist.

We were chopping up wood to collect larvae (grubs) and their excrements.

Mark dared me to eat one.

So I did.

I didn't chew it straight away though.

I let it wriggle in my mouth for a while before I gained the courage to bite into it.

I felt a little like Simba in the Lionking,

And could only hope EHB would prove to be

“Slimy, yet satisfying”

I bit.

It covered my tongue in goo.

I spat it out.

It was slimy.

It was not satisfying.

It did not taste like chicken.